Pressure (pushing down on me, pressing down on you)

Obviously, it's been a while since I've posted. I have excuses. I do. Whether they are good or not I will leave only to me to judge. In any case, when it comes to blogging, the very thought of it is extremely draining to me. At the end of the day (and by this I mean when D has retired to her room) I'm so mentally drained that I can't bear the thought of constructing a discernible sentence let alone a whole blog entry... with wit... and a theme... and a half-baked-90s-family-sitcom-coming-of-age lesson. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. Most of the blogs that I read are fantastic. That's why I read them. Come to think of it, there are many more that I don't read. This is also probably for good reason. There are two blogs in particular that I absolutely love and have therefore sent me into a vortex of cyber depression. Hyperbole and a Half and Parenting. Illustrated with Crappy Pictures are two of my favorites as of late and I spend most of my spare time and time I shouldn't be sparing reading and rereading and reading again, thus resulting in my perpetual cycle of read-laugh-feel disappointed in self-pity self-despair-read to cheer self up. Frankly, I suck at blogging. Really. Be that as it may, I shall continue if only to validate with myself that there are some people that are just interested in knowing about my kid. She is pretty awesome. So let's get on with it. But consider this your warning that I'm not funny, clever, or cyber-trendy.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. This is in part due to the fact that adult interaction is pretty minimal these days. *On that note, Jake is doing great. He loves all of you... probably. I'll keep everyone informed with updates similar to that... in which case you're probably better off just asking him yourself. A lot of what has been plaguing my brain is a series of potential scenarios all having to do with my daughter as a teenager. They all end in a gutter, under an eighteen-wheeler, eaten, or with a terminal illness. Depending on the storyline, it's either me or her who ends up there. The scariest part of this whole parenting thing to me is guiding a child into who they are fit to be. By this I mean recognizing a child's strengths and working to build on them. We all have an idea of who we want our children to be- one who leads with confidence and conviction and makes everyone agree on everything there ever was to agree on. In other words, the best president ever. Don't lie. You want that too. But there is a very fine line between wanting what you think is best and really recognizing what is best.

"Everyone is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it'll spend its whole life believing that it is stupid." The quote goes something like that. Albert Einstein said it.

Yikes. Scary. During pregnancy, most, if not all women with their first have this idea of how things are going to be- the pregnancy, delivery, what you feed baby, what baby will wear, what her schedule will be like, what music you'll play, how much time you spend with her, and what color her bedding will be. Of course, when you're pregnant, the thought of one thing going wrong results in an implosion of any confidence you had (which is serious... considering you're already fat) and you are then haunted by nightmares of your baby suffering from the first case of the super ultimate supreme flu virus that is resistant to any and all vaccines and is PERMANENT! This is serious. Pregnant ladies really do feel this way. Ask Jake. Unfortunately, I still think this way sometimes. There are days where I am flooded by an illegitimate fear that if I do not spend a specific number of milliseconds with D every day teaching her to be a responsible, loving, caring, confident human being she's going to end up a Crip, gypsy... or a Fox News Anchor... ultimately leading to cancer... by the time she's 5.

I hope that Jake doesn't read this one. He truly dislikes when I think in terms of absolutes. Like yesterday I'm pretty sure that I told him that we needed to change something... really drastic... can't remember what it is at the moment... but if we didn't change it we would get cancer. Naturally, he agreed to do it because, well, he's awesome. A week earlier I informed him he would be joining me in eating strictly vegan two times a week because red meat gives you cancer. "Ok," he said. Again... he's pretty freakin' great. I don't know what I did to snag him.

In the end, I'm still struggling with the idea that one move I make could send my kid to the top of everything or off a cliff. Babies are easy. I think that's why women want so many of them. You meet their needs. They love you. We tend to forget that baby is only temporary and we need to start preparing ourselves... FOR THE POST-PRESCHOOL APOCALYPSE. Maybe that's just me. I'm scared out of my wits.

At the same time, a thought just crossed my mind from a long time ago. My dad, in his infinite artsy wisdom, once told me that society really doesn't change all that much. I think we tend to think we are unique in thinking that we are on the cusp of a nuclear war with at least one of the countries that hates America. We also like to believe that our society has become more corrupt, loose in morals and, essentially, going to hell. This time the basket has been weaved by President Obama and the democrats and EVERYONE that supports marriage equality. A couple decades ago it was all those damn punk rockers with their druuuuugs and their distaste for President Reagan. Before that it was those flower children with no bras or inhibitions. Before that it was the drinkers and the crazy bitches who wanted the right to vote. Things have always been the way they are now. Maybe my kid will turn out ok.

I skipped on any profound reflection because that last paragraph got way deeper than I intended. Please now enjoy the antidote to my stupid rants- A PICTURE DUMP!

 Hanging with Great Gramps

 Mini Jake... aside from the book.

"Off." -D and Jake 

"Hat. Off." -D 

"WTF IS THIS?!" 

"... wtf IS THIS?! :)" 

 "mmmWmmmTmmmmFmmm ismmmthismmm"

with mah peeps at home depot 

In pictures like this I truly see the potential my child has to be supreme ultimate president... except the kind with questionable morals... 

Too. Bright. But. Will. Smile. 

The necessary evil- sleep.  

clearly lacking the necessary evil sleep 

You're doing it wrong.  

I need a vacation (me, speaking...)

Well, thanks for reading. I would say that I'll promise to try to post more often... but this would be untrue. Take care, all! 

Tales and Lessons of the Rear-Facing Traveler

This is long overdue, I know. I'm still getting accustomed to this blogging business and I'm about to dump out a bunch of stories from my and Lylah's trip up north to visit family and friends which was, like, a month ago. BUT FIRST I must take a moment to vent about my distaste for Los Angeles County. Nothing good besides my degree and my man has ever come out of that place. The civil engineers that designed the hornet's nest they call a freeway system there need to seriously reconsider their vocation. All the innocent travelers that pass through there become prisoners to the torturous, tormenting, and unrelenting traffic that plagues that terrible place. It's like Shawshank but without the redemption. I sat in traffic from the time I got off the grapevine until I hit Anaheim. IS THAT NOT A SIGN?? Literally... traffic from one side of LA County to the other. It was pure madness and I swear I had 5 years knocked off my life just in that trip- 2 from breathing in all the pollution and 3 more from nearly getting side-swiped by a Prius (you may have an environmental conscience but you have no manners), a semi, and an Astro Van. But I digress... now on to more important things like sharing wisdom that clearly was not mentioned in the What To Expect books (a reference that only pregnant people would understand).

1. When you pull off the freeway to fill up, ALWAYS switch out the toy that's hanging on the carseat. It will help keep whining at  bay so that you can enjoy one of the three radio stations that you can get while driving through central California on I5. Trust me... a Spanish morning show is still preferable to a screaming little human.

2. Driving UNTIL your fellow traveler starts screaming her head off is not tactful. It's a good idea in theory, especially when you're anxious to get to your destination. You think "If I can only get a few more miles in, I'll be that much closer to [insert point of destination here] than I was before and then I'll stop to meet her needs." When actually applied, it's disastrous. No one wants to be that mom that cares for herself while her baby cries. The searing glances that you will be met with can pretty much burn your eyeballs out so when I pulled off the freeway in Nowhere, CA I obviously couldn't go to the bathroom before the baby was fed and changed. As a result, I was reduced down to showcasing my own rendition of the pee-pee dance in the Target parking lot while I changed Lylah's diaper in the front seat (better than showing it off at the changing table in the bathroom). So let this be a lesson to all who plan to embark on a road trip with a tiny plus-one. Pull over, pee, feed, burp, change in that order all prior to even the slightest whimper from your backseat.

3. Having a friend sit in the backseat with your baby will only make your baby wonder how the bigger humans can be so cruel. I can only imagine Lylah thinking "You restrain me in this chair giving me nothing to look at and when I finally get someone to come back here to play with me, all I get is a smile and maybe a finger to hold on to? Pick me up for Frank's sake." All it becomes is a tease, which then leads to more screaming. On that note however, I was sooooo grateful that Katie drove up with me. There was one moment in particular on the drive up where I considered getting out of the car and Waltzing across the freeway if it wasn't for her.

4. Andersen's Pea Soup is not as friendly as it appears. Remember those stares I was talking about earlier? You know, the ones that burn through your skull and drain any self-confidence you had? Yeah... never put it past sweet-looking old couples to deliver those as you try to console your screaming baby. I would have preferred to stick my head into a vat of that pea soup (which doesn't even taste that good, I might add).

5. This is more of a personal lesson that probably won't apply to anyone else but I wanted to share it anyway. I finally discovered that my daughter stores an extra octave and surround sound in those giant cheeks of hers and they're reserved specifically for roadtrips. Lylah screamed at a pitch and volume that would put Alvin to shame. If that isn't enough to convince someone that she is part chipmunk, she also developed the habit of hiding things and not recalling where she put them. When we finally got home I found three, I repeat THREE pacifiers lodged underneath the pads of her carseat. Two were under the pad that supports her little bum and one was behind the pad that supports her head. What the... how on earth?

My plan was to dive a little deeper into how the actual visit was but recalling these memories has been exhausting and I need a nap. Instead, I'll just dump a bunch of pictures-

Beach with Katie

And then from bikini to beanie... only in Nor Cal (well probably not ONLY Nor Cal) would it rain in June

Hangin with Grandpa

With Aunt Pam, probably sneezing from all the pink she's wearing

Haha the only decent picture with all the littles

Playin with Great Grandpa

Visitin Great Grandma and Great GREAT Grandma

Baby Whiperer

Updates will follow sooner or later... I promise that they'll at least come later. Ta-ta!

Blogging in the raw

Ok so when I was kidless I was fundamentally against having a blog. It just seemed so silly to me that people were so entitled that they felt everyone would want to know the minute and insignificant details of their life. So, for all you blogger moms that I once laughed off... I deeply, DEEPLY apologize. You ladies deserve more credit than that and I'm so sorry. Phone calls with friends and family have been few and far between since I had Delylah seeing as how she wants to be held, played with, and maintained for the majority of her day. Rather than making my loved ones feel neglected and out of the loop, I figured I'd start this so I can hit, like, 50 birds with one stone, or sawed-off shotgun. It's less for me and more for Delylah. It also gives me a chance to practice and polish my narrative skills. Since most of my conversations are between me and my infant, I worry that my intellectual abilities are slowly dwindling. This, by no means, means that I'm losing my ability to reason, problem-solve, and learn. In fact, since having Delylah I think those have soared to new Hights (see what I did there?). Having a baby has challenged my body and my mind more than grad school ever could.

Anywho... here's a sneaky peek into what our lives have been like the past few months:

I sometimes wonder what she stores in those cheeks

Day 1

1 week

Cheering for her 1 month 

6 weeks old visiting Grandma Cathy 

Discovering her feet at 2 months 

Kicking ass at tummy time

Delylah's personality is really starting to shine through which has been really fun to watch. She's so much like her dad. When she wants something she wants it NOW. When she cries, she goes from 0-60 in about .25 seconds but when she's satisfied, she goes right back to the smiley, drooling, leaky little girl that I love. She now holds her head up pretty well and is starting to grasp things with her hands and uses her mouth as a third feeler in addition to them. Her favorite things are lights, fans, the pinata toy from Auntie Jessica, the singing bird from Auntie Jodi, the musical seahorse, and having intellectually stimulating conversations with mom. We discuss such things as universal healthcare, civil rights, the deteriorating social service system, PTSD, Buddhism, and green parenting. She doesn't mind being dressed up which is fun for me because I never had all of these really cute clothes when I played with my water baby as a kid. Remember those? I loved mine until it got mold inside the tummy and it started to leak. Delylah leaks too but it's usually the milk that's inside hers. She spits up and drools constantly and therefore goes through more outfits than Audrey Hepburn. As for the home environment, piano solos are usually playing in the house during her waking hours but I think she prefers country. There's also an overlay of Skip To My Lou that comes from the play gym that is endlessly amusing to her (so long as I'm sitting next to her shaking the toys that hang from it). Even though she always require that I be close to her interacting with her, she also no longer likes to be cuddled unless it's bedtime. She would rather observe and interact. It's really fun to watch her and you can see in her eyes that she's learning that her tiny little world is actually much bigger than the womb or even the living room.

Having a baby has been so much fun excluding the monetary expense. She's worth it though. Through my pregnancy and becoming a mom (yikes) I've reconnected and re-established solid friendships with some really, really great people. I started talking to my RA from my freshman year, Kayse. I don't get to talk to her much but the conversations we've had really helped me through my pregnancy. I recently starting talking to my old soccer friend and best friend of the Brown family (my second family), Ashleigh, which is so AMAZING! She has a son that is about 2 weeks younger than Delylah and I know that as time passes, the flirting between them will blossom. My friends never cease to amaze me. The eagerness and enthusiasm I got from Steph, Emily, Dayna, Ruthie, Katie, Amanda and Emmalee has definitely been a driving force at times when I have felt defeated. I've become closer than ever with my sister, Jodi. Words can't express how blessed I am to have her. She was definitely an emotional rock throughout pregnancy. Early on, I rediscovered the unconditional love that my family has for me that I was so scared I might have lost. The support that I got from my own parents, aunts and uncles, and cousins is so amazing. Jake's family is outstanding. I don't think we would have been able to do this without Cathy, Jeff, Matt, Leslie, Pam, Wayne and Virginia. It warms my insides to think of how wonderful they all are. As for me, having Delylah has redefined love for me. It's overwhelming at times when I realize just how much I love her.

Jake is completely smitten. I'm so proud of him for braving the poopy diapers. He doesn't even change his shirt anymore when she spits up or pees on him. Now that's a true dad! He's been really busy with work but I know he wishes he could be around more. However, he really enjoys being a cop and is very good at what he does. For those of you that knew him before, who would have guessed he would have gotten involved in enforcing laws instead of breaking them? I mean really...

I started work a couple of weeks ago which has been challenging but fun. I work mainly from home right now until we can close on the lease agreement for an office. I've never been a part of the ground floor of a business before and it has been a lot of fun learning how to run a company efficiently. For those of you that don't know, I work for Aptitude Habilitation Services which offers comprehensive service to children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder and their families. I worked for the company when I was in Sacramento and I absolutely fell in love with the job. Down here, I will be in charge of managing and running the clinic and I'll also have a caseload. In other words, I'll go into the homes and work with the child and their families providing behavioral therapy. The goal of the therapy is essentially to work myself out of a job. In other words, I'll work with the child and family until the child can function, thrive, and flourish on his own with the help of his loved ones. Kids with an ASD are so charming. I miss the families I worked with in Sac but I know that I'll fall in love with the kids I work with down here. I wish I could work with them forever!

Welp, I think that this is long enough. The blog probably isn't that pretty but I'm going to try to do some googlin' to see if I can make it fancier. Until next time, may what is most precious and valued in me honor what is most precious and valued in you!